Wednesday, December 30, 2015

It's been a while....

It's been a while since I have posted to this blog.   The reality is that I lack motivation. I lack that fight that is required to really move to the next level in my health.  So, how do I attack this head on?  How do I become a warrior for myself?

I hate being vulnerable.  I find it embarrassing and weak.  But, the TRUTH in the is that vulnerability is actually brave.  Hiding behind the facade of strength is weakness.  The only time we ever really overcome something is when we stand up, brush ourselves off and try again.   I'm choosing to fight, to pick up my will and become a warrior for myself.

In order to become a warrior, you have to face your fears head on.  Most people have fears when it comes to weight loss, otherwise no one would be overweight.  My fears are:

  • Failure:  I fear that I will let myself down, once again.  That's a very real threat to my journey.  But without failure, we can't really learn.  So, I choose to know that that I WILL fail many times.  I will also need to get up every time I fall.  So, to know this, I have to know that this WILL happen and it's nothing to fear, unless I choose not to fight, not to give up.  Then I really will have lost. 
  • The loss of comfort:  I've used food as a means of comfort, I've used being sedentary as a means of comfort.  In reality, these abuses have made my body very uncomfortable.  I suffer from knee, ankle, and foot pain.  I assume that this is all because of my weight.  I have, at times, suffered the discomfort of stomach problems from over eating or eating all the wrong food.  It's odd that I know how great I feel when I make good choices in the foods that I take in my body.  I know how good I feel about myself when I am more active.  Yet, I have often made the mistake of going back to a sugary cookie or a huge soda as a treat, or to uplift me in some way.  Mantra to counteract this:  I know I will be uncomfortable.   Remember that nothing is less comfortable than the failure of my health and independence.  My very way of life and well being is on the line.  
  • Who am I?  Oh my.  This is absolutely my worst fear.  I have run my numbers over and over on this one.  I don't know who I am without this armor.  I know that I haven't always been overweight, but as an adult, I have.  I struggled thought my 20s, trying to finding acceptance.  I had boyfriends, but they were never guys that would stick around.  I gained weight as time went on... year upon year, pound upon pound....  It wasn't pretty.  Until a few years ago, another chubby girl told me about some dating website exclusively for men who were attracted to other overweight women.  It was a blinding eye opener for me.... but eventually became something that I would base my worth on.  I was a plus size girl, only good enough for men who liked them.  I wasn't worthy of "regular" guys.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that these men are all bad, just the ones I picked.    I was never treated all that well by any of them.  Probably because I let them treat me however they wanted, as long as they stayed for a while.  Saying that now, here, in public is embarrassingly weak and I hate that part of myself.  So, when I ask- Who am I, I am asking-- what happens when I am no longer that Plus size girl?  Who could possibly find me attractive then?  Am I really basing all my worth on this?  No, I'm really not.  But, it is one of my fears.  This is one of them that I have to stand up to, and know-- I am not my body.  I'm a person with attitude, talents, and integrity.  If I want to maintain my integrity, I have to let this go.   So- my answer to this question is:   I am the daughter of a Heavenly Father.  I am loved by Him who created all things.  I am worthy because HE made me worthy.  I am his chosen daughter.  If I choose to do things that are good and right, he will give me blessings.  I will define myself not by my body, but by my heart.  No matter what body I am in, I have a good heart.  
wow.  That's a lot to say for a blog that I haven't really kept up with.  But this is my truth, and I am going to stand in it.  I am going to repair the damage I have done by making better choices.  

Let's see what I do with it....