Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Too big to fail...

Every day, I wake up and try to make myself a better person.  EVERY day! I'm trying to put mostly healthy fuel in my body, I work out at least 4 times a week, and I try to talk positively to myself.
Most days, I feel pretty ok.  When I work out, I feel better.  Adrenalin is amazing stuff!

This week, however, has not been one the best weeks I have had.  When I should be celebrating an amazing opportunity, instead, I am finding myself exhausted, deflated, and sad.

I have an upcoming Gala to play this weekend.  I have been searching for something to wear that will both allow me to play guitar and sing, and looks edgy and Gala-worthy.  For a big girl, this is never ever ever easy.  It's a challenge to find anything that flatters my good curves, minimizes the bad curves, and makes me feel young and beautiful.

I went to store after store last night, looking for the perfect outfit.  One store after another, I hit a wall.  I found a store with beautiful "plus sized" things.  But, honestly, these were smaller plus sizes.  I'm not that small.  Each store brought more negative feelings and tapes:  What you are doing isn't good enough, you will never be able to look like a normal girl, you will have to wear the granny clothes again, you are a blob, you ARE the elephant in the room.     *If it is harsh, I said it to myself.

Today- the icing on the crap-cake was when I went in to a store to be fitted for a bra, at the behest of my long time friend, who has known me from size 7 to size (unintelligible noise here).  I was fearful going in, that they wouldn't have a size to fit me (around).  As the lady walked me into the gorgeous fitting room, she pulled out that bitchy tape measure.   I looked at her and said-- I don't really think you will fit me -- but let's hope.   This sweet shoppe girl slides the tape measure around my chest, looks down at the tape measure-- her eyes get bigger as her face slowly looks up at me in horror.  "I'm so sorry."  That's all she could say.

I kept it together, though it had been a long couple of days, and said in the most cheerful voice that I could plaster on "that's ok, I thought that would be the case."   I rushed out of the dressing room to find my friend.  She was looking at beautiful night time attire.   I quickly said,"ok, I am going to go work out."

"What happened?" she asked.
"They can't fit me" I said quickly, "I'm going to go get my workout finished"  I said, as I could feel the tears creeping up on me.  Oh holy hell... here they come.
"Don't you cry, don't cry or I'll slap you."  my friend says.
No amount of threats or jokes could keep the flood waters back.  This was the hoover dam about to break on my face!  I tried to hide my tears, as my friend tried to console me.   Nothing was going to work, I had to get the heck out of that store.

Rushing past the slinky fabrics and stylish mannequins with their skinny little asses, I hit the door and made it quickly to my car.

On the drive to go workout, which was just across the street, I gave in to the storm of tears and sadness.  All my hard work, all the healthy eating, all the missed cake opportunities, and I was still sitting here, in  my crappy little car, wanting to be as elegant as the girls that shop in that store.  I wanted more than anything to have a moment that made me feel like one of "those" girls.  That moment was not today.

As I tried to wipe away my tears and tell myself this was ridiculous, I walked into Curves, determined to keep going and be strong.  On the first little march session, I just burst into to tears and ran to the restroom.  I was BEYOND embarrassed.

I patted my face with water, cleaned up, and walked  back out to try it again, though I wanted more than anything to run out of that building without being noticed.

As I started marching, one of the trainers came up to ask me if I was ok, and I told her what had happened.  One of my favorite fellow-Curves member looks at me and said something to the effect of "who cares, you are still pretty!"   That made me smile a bit.

I got through most of the rest of my workout without too much drama.

Today was hard.  I can do hard things.  I got through the day so far!

Though I had to battle with this world build for skinny people, I still triumphed.   No cookies, no tacos, just a workout and lunch.

I can't wait for the day when I walk in that boutique all Pretty Woman-Julia Roberts style with my slutty clothes on-- ok, maybe nix the slutty clothes, and say-- "I was in here last year, and you were horrified at my awesomeness.  Well look at me now skinny bitches!  I hope you work on commission:  BIG MISTAKE, HUUUUUGE. "  And then I will walk out,  with Roxette's "Musta been love playing on my iPod loudly.

These are the amazing women that work out at the same time I do.   They are sweet, funny, and always entertaining.  I'm blessed to have found a place where there are people who make me feel comfortable and always encourage me.   *And who usually lap me*  

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

FEAUX weight gain

So, this morning, I stepped back on the scale to see if I actually did gain weight, or if it was a water weight. It was definitely water weight, because my weight was back down, 4 ounces less than Sunday. Yes, I am counting ounces, because it lets me know how this fluctuation thing is working on me.

So--- HAPPY that the confidence that I felt on Sunday was in fact well warranted.

Monday, July 23, 2012

How to handle set backs

This weekend was a great weekend. I hung out with friends, did lots of fun things, and tried to make the best of the choices that were offered. On Sunday evening, I felt pretty successful. Monday morning, I woke up, stupidly decided to weigh myself, and was disappointed to learn that I had gained two pounds. My thoughts are that it had something to do with the lack of water intake vs the salt intake. I am not going to panic. I am simply going to continue on.

I did, however, look up fat burning breakfasts to make sure I got the most bang for my calories this morning.

Just going to keep chucking along, not going to let this get me down!!

Friday, July 20, 2012

My Lunch is better than your lunch!!

I'm not a huge shrimp fan, but dress it up a bit, and I can make my way through it, with less WW points!
This recipe is a Dr. Oz favorite: I call it the great alfredo fake out!

Here's how you do it:

2 garlic cloves
olive oil spray
low cal butter stuff
laughing cow lite swiss wedge (1)
2 tbsp parmesan
4 tbs greek yogurt
1/4 cup almond milk

spray your pan liberally with olive oil. Add about a tbls of I can't believe it's not butter to the pan, along with two chopped cloves of garlic. *YUM*
brown the garlic, then add (precooked) shrimp. After the shrimp has warmed up turn your heat to low and add in about 4 tbsp of greek yogurt that has been mixed with about 1/4 cup of non-sweetened almond milk. mix this all around really good. You may see it separate a little, thats ok. Next Toss in a wedge of laughing cow lite swiss cheese. Let it get bubbly and melty. (very technical term). Then-- add in some pre steamed broccoli. *Double yum* Get it all warmed up, and at the end-- toss in about 2 tbsp of parmesan. Plate it up, eat it up.

Me and the Big C.

On my Facebook group, Healthy Habits, I talked a little bit about my struggle this year with some colon issues. The short of it: At 39 years old, I had to get a colonoscopy. At 39, they found 15 polyps, three of which were sent to the lab. Two polyps were found to be benign. The other polyp- pre-cancer, and according to the medical assistant, the aggressive kind. Not good.

So, I have been doing a ton of research, both by watching medical advice shows like Dr Oz, and doing my own internet research. The consensus is that we can avoid some cancers with a healthier diet. Good news.

My love affair with food isn't likely to stop, right? So, I am replacing healthy, cancer fighting foods with the luscious and decadent fatty foods that I have loved for so long. Sometimes this is a real struggle: not because I don't love my super yummy healthy substitutes, but because I am trying to replace SUGAR with a less caloric sweetener. Here is a hint: ARTIFICIAL = CANCER. Bleh.

I love sugar. I love e. How do I get those foods in that are low in fat, low in sugar, and aren't going to kill me? I am researching this little problem now.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Who am I to be giving advice?

I've started and stopped so many times.  I have failed one less time that I have tried.  What makes me think I can succeed now? Who am I to be going any advice?  How did I get here?

I am going to attempt to answer that question every day for the rest of my life.

I want to start out by saying that I am not a writer, not a chef, not a food critic, nor am I a nutritionist.  I am just someone who has a love affair with food.  Now, I am learning to have a love affair with nutritious  food.  GO ME!

My blog is going to be about my journey, through thick and thinner.  The ins and outs of not dieting, but truly making a lifestyle change.   I am going to be brutally honest about this journey.  I hope that just one person will read it, find a little inspiration, and take it forward into their world.

Over the coming weeks, I will be posting recipes, pics, and a journal style approach to blogging.  I'm not writing this for the masses, for rather for one.  Me.  I welcome comments, recipes, links, and informative feedback.  I discourage negativity.

So... here goes something.  :)