On Christmas eve, my grandmother was sent to a hospital in Dallas with a severe infection. She had surgery a few week prior and this was the cause of the infection.
My aunt and uncle have taken primary responsibility for her "extra" care, outside of the normal hospital care. They have each taken turns staying the night on the lumpy fold out and assisting her during the day with all of her needs. She is a pretty good patient, but she definitely thinks she can do more than she should be doing. You have to love that sense of independence.
I came up to the hospital yesterday and stayed the night with her. Yesterday was full of activity like helping her to the bathroom, getting things for her ect. Last night, when I finally sat down, I was exhausted. I thought about all the independence that she is having to willingly relinquish and how hard it is for her.
My grandfather died more than 25 years ago. She has lived alone since then and has enjoyed it. (Not that my grandpa wasn't awesome!!) She enjoyed the ability to do whatever she wanted without having to worry about someone else's needs, ect.
Watching my grandmother's health deteriorate has been difficult. She has been slowly loosing strength for a while and was even diagnosed with polymialgia and leukemia. She is pain a lot. In contrast, she has been the healthiest eater on the planet! She has always watched her weight, made exercise a priority and has stayed fit and active. She, you would think, from her health habits would be a model for anyone trying to maintain optimal health.
All of this said, it certainly has me thinking about my own health and wellness. I have let my body down. I have treated it like a receptical for junk food and an abundance of sugary and fatty foods. I have avoided exercise like I am allergic to it. Things need to change. I need to make permanent changes in my life so that I may correct any of the damage that I have done.
I have had a laser focus on my calorie intake since January 1st this year. After deciding on a Dietbet that begins January 4th, I have made it a priority that I do not loose that money. Sadly, money is the motivator here... not the number on the scale. Crazy, right? My answer to that is: I'm not a gambler, and I am not rich. Or, as my dad would say: I'm not mad at my money. I can't stand to see it thrown away and not get anything in return.
With that said, my Hospital Slumber party Grandma Patsy over the last day has been pretty good. Fresh fruits and veggies were not allowed in the room, due to the potential of a bacteria entering her system. But, I was able to be vigilant when shopping for food and snacks that I could take with me so that I would have things to eat without spending a fortune of money (and calories) on take out or hospital food. I chose well, friends. I've even logged everything that I have eaten in my favorite App called "Lost It".
Lose It is a great free app for iOS, but it's an AMAZING app when you make the purchase for the year. Bt accesses both my fitbit and my apple watch for readings of my activity readings. You can also scan barcodes on your food packaging, most products are in the database.
Now that I am back home, I have more choices and can choose to eat fresh and raw fruits and veggies. I never knew how much I relied on them when eating healthy. SO Happy to be home, with a positive spin on my sweet Grandmother's bad experience in both health and great quality time that I was able to spend with her over the last couple of days.
At the end of this day, I am tired (from the amazing hospital staff - but frequent sleep interruptions) and thankful. I love my family. I know that my time staying overnight in the hospital with her was important for her other family care-givers, just as it was for us.
Today is the start of my new healthy eating regime. I woke up this morning with a massive headache, I can only attribute to either an allergy issue or withdrawals. But, being the comical hypochondriacal nerd...I think it's a tumor.
I know, I know, it's not a toooomuh.... But, sugar withdrawals and allergies are not fun. And-- I'm just hoping that today is day 1 of that.... and that in a few days, I will be over it and all will be right with the world.
As far as my eating habits today, I count them as a 9.5. I won't count it as a 10 because I had to stop and get something from Wendy's. On the bonus: I went online and looked to find out the calorie, carb, and fat count. Although, it's my primary goal to simply eat healthy and nutritious meals, it's also a goal to cut out fast food. Today, I didn't plan as well as I should have. But tomorrow is a new chance to do it again!
It's been a while since I have posted to this blog. The reality is that I lack motivation. I lack that fight that is required to really move to the next level in my health. So, how do I attack this head on? How do I become a warrior for myself?
I hate being vulnerable. I find it embarrassing and weak. But, the TRUTH in the is that vulnerability is actually brave. Hiding behind the facade of strength is weakness. The only time we ever really overcome something is when we stand up, brush ourselves off and try again. I'm choosing to fight, to pick up my will and become a warrior for myself.
In order to become a warrior, you have to face your fears head on. Most people have fears when it comes to weight loss, otherwise no one would be overweight. My fears are:
Failure: I fear that I will let myself down, once again. That's a very real threat to my journey. But without failure, we can't really learn. So, I choose to know that that I WILL fail many times. I will also need to get up every time I fall. So, to know this, I have to know that this WILL happen and it's nothing to fear, unless I choose not to fight, not to give up. Then I really will have lost.
The loss of comfort: I've used food as a means of comfort, I've used being sedentary as a means of comfort. In reality, these abuses have made my body very uncomfortable. I suffer from knee, ankle, and foot pain. I assume that this is all because of my weight. I have, at times, suffered the discomfort of stomach problems from over eating or eating all the wrong food. It's odd that I know how great I feel when I make good choices in the foods that I take in my body. I know how good I feel about myself when I am more active. Yet, I have often made the mistake of going back to a sugary cookie or a huge soda as a treat, or to uplift me in some way. Mantra to counteract this: I know I will be uncomfortable. Remember that nothing is less comfortable than the failure of my health and independence. My very way of life and well being is on the line.
Who am I? Oh my. This is absolutely my worst fear. I have run my numbers over and over on this one. I don't know who I am without this armor. I know that I haven't always been overweight, but as an adult, I have. I struggled thought my 20s, trying to finding acceptance. I had boyfriends, but they were never guys that would stick around. I gained weight as time went on... year upon year, pound upon pound.... It wasn't pretty. Until a few years ago, another chubby girl told me about some dating website exclusively for men who were attracted to other overweight women. It was a blinding eye opener for me.... but eventually became something that I would base my worth on. I was a plus size girl, only good enough for men who liked them. I wasn't worthy of "regular" guys. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that these men are all bad, just the ones I picked. I was never treated all that well by any of them. Probably because I let them treat me however they wanted, as long as they stayed for a while. Saying that now, here, in public is embarrassingly weak and I hate that part of myself. So, when I ask- Who am I, I am asking-- what happens when I am no longer that Plus size girl? Who could possibly find me attractive then? Am I really basing all my worth on this? No, I'm really not. But, it is one of my fears. This is one of them that I have to stand up to, and know-- I am not my body. I'm a person with attitude, talents, and integrity. If I want to maintain my integrity, I have to let this go. So- my answer to this question is: I am the daughter of a Heavenly Father. I am loved by Him who created all things. I am worthy because HE made me worthy. I am his chosen daughter. If I choose to do things that are good and right, he will give me blessings. I will define myself not by my body, but by my heart. No matter what body I am in, I have a good heart.
wow. That's a lot to say for a blog that I haven't really kept up with. But this is my truth, and I am going to stand in it. I am going to repair the damage I have done by making better choices.
Every day, I wake up and try to make myself a better person. EVERY day! I'm trying to put mostly healthy fuel in my body, I work out at least 4 times a week, and I try to talk positively to myself.
Most days, I feel pretty ok. When I work out, I feel better. Adrenalin is amazing stuff!
This week, however, has not been one the best weeks I have had. When I should be celebrating an amazing opportunity, instead, I am finding myself exhausted, deflated, and sad.
I have an upcoming Gala to play this weekend. I have been searching for something to wear that will both allow me to play guitar and sing, and looks edgy and Gala-worthy. For a big girl, this is never ever ever easy. It's a challenge to find anything that flatters my good curves, minimizes the bad curves, and makes me feel young and beautiful.
I went to store after store last night, looking for the perfect outfit. One store after another, I hit a wall. I found a store with beautiful "plus sized" things. But, honestly, these were smaller plus sizes. I'm not that small. Each store brought more negative feelings and tapes: What you are doing isn't good enough, you will never be able to look like a normal girl, you will have to wear the granny clothes again, you are a blob, you ARE the elephant in the room. *If it is harsh, I said it to myself.
Today- the icing on the crap-cake was when I went in to a store to be fitted for a bra, at the behest of my long time friend, who has known me from size 7 to size (unintelligible noise here). I was fearful going in, that they wouldn't have a size to fit me (around). As the lady walked me into the gorgeous fitting room, she pulled out that bitchy tape measure. I looked at her and said-- I don't really think you will fit me -- but let's hope. This sweet shoppe girl slides the tape measure around my chest, looks down at the tape measure-- her eyes get bigger as her face slowly looks up at me in horror. "I'm so sorry." That's all she could say.
I kept it together, though it had been a long couple of days, and said in the most cheerful voice that I could plaster on "that's ok, I thought that would be the case." I rushed out of the dressing room to find my friend. She was looking at beautiful night time attire. I quickly said,"ok, I am going to go work out."
"What happened?" she asked.
"They can't fit me" I said quickly, "I'm going to go get my workout finished" I said, as I could feel the tears creeping up on me. Oh holy hell... here they come.
"Don't you cry, don't cry or I'll slap you." my friend says.
No amount of threats or jokes could keep the flood waters back. This was the hoover dam about to break on my face! I tried to hide my tears, as my friend tried to console me. Nothing was going to work, I had to get the heck out of that store.
Rushing past the slinky fabrics and stylish mannequins with their skinny little asses, I hit the door and made it quickly to my car.
On the drive to go workout, which was just across the street, I gave in to the storm of tears and sadness. All my hard work, all the healthy eating, all the missed cake opportunities, and I was still sitting here, in my crappy little car, wanting to be as elegant as the girls that shop in that store. I wanted more than anything to have a moment that made me feel like one of "those" girls. That moment was not today.
As I tried to wipe away my tears and tell myself this was ridiculous, I walked into Curves, determined to keep going and be strong. On the first little march session, I just burst into to tears and ran to the restroom. I was BEYOND embarrassed.
I patted my face with water, cleaned up, and walked back out to try it again, though I wanted more than anything to run out of that building without being noticed.
As I started marching, one of the trainers came up to ask me if I was ok, and I told her what had happened. One of my favorite fellow-Curves member looks at me and said something to the effect of "who cares, you are still pretty!" That made me smile a bit.
I got through most of the rest of my workout without too much drama.
Today was hard. I can do hard things. I got through the day so far!
Though I had to battle with this world build for skinny people, I still triumphed. No cookies, no tacos, just a workout and lunch.
I can't wait for the day when I walk in that boutique all Pretty Woman-Julia Roberts style with my slutty clothes on-- ok, maybe nix the slutty clothes, and say-- "I was in here last year, and you were horrified at my awesomeness. Well look at me now skinny bitches! I hope you work on commission: BIG MISTAKE, HUUUUUGE. " And then I will walk out, with Roxette's "Musta been love playing on my iPod loudly.
These are the amazing women that work out at the same time I do. They are sweet, funny, and always entertaining. I'm blessed to have found a place where there are people who make me feel comfortable and always encourage me. *And who usually lap me*
So, this morning, I stepped back on the scale to see if I actually did gain weight, or if it was a water weight. It was definitely water weight, because my weight was back down, 4 ounces less than Sunday. Yes, I am counting ounces, because it lets me know how this fluctuation thing is working on me.
So--- HAPPY that the confidence that I felt on Sunday was in fact well warranted.
This weekend was a great weekend. I hung out with friends, did lots of fun things, and tried to make the best of the choices that were offered. On Sunday evening, I felt pretty successful. Monday morning, I woke up, stupidly decided to weigh myself, and was disappointed to learn that I had gained two pounds. My thoughts are that it had something to do with the lack of water intake vs the salt intake. I am not going to panic. I am simply going to continue on.
I did, however, look up fat burning breakfasts to make sure I got the most bang for my calories this morning.
Just going to keep chucking along, not going to let this get me down!!